After reading this tutorial you will never again have to worry about friends annoying you with requests (or calling you in the first place), happy co-workers spoiling your day with their naïve joie de vivre, or spouses smothering you with their exuberant kindness and affection.
Have you ever wondered why some people respond to you positively, with ease, laugh about your jokes, like you and your thinking and most importantly follow your suggestions and advice without hesitation, while others unpredictably clench their jaws (and fists), say yes and mean no, are miserable and may even start to challenge you openly? Why can it be so difficult to get others to do what we want?
Well worry not, this tutorial is aimed at everyone who wants to purge such unpredictability from their lives once and for all.
Welcome to the art and science of alienation!
Just follow the following strategies and I promise followers will unfollow you like an outdated hashtag.
But before excitement overwhelms us, let us be clear that we can’t just randomly pick any approach of influencing people. Most influencing strategies work some of the time and fail some other time. However, there are some rare and precious specimens that fail ALL THE TIME.
Just like you will always get burned, no matter with how much sophistication you place your hand over an open flame, these strategies will always not only not work, they will also frustrate the heck out of anyone exposed to them. The intelligent reader will immediately see their potential! Rest assured, after embracing the following principles you will impress the dwindling number of your peers with an uncanny ability to deliver psychological double-punches.
Your life is about to change: Never again will you have to compromise on anything, lose an argument or bear the presence of others within your personal space.
Without further ado here is the first strategy for guaranteed instant social knockouts:
Somebody has done something you don’t like – such as taken something from you (i.e. your seat), or put you in some situation of disadvantage (by pointing out some painfully obvious mistakes while you were giving an important presentation), or perhaps they have done something to somebody else that doesn’t affect you at all, but still…? Great!
You are now faced with several options.
a) You could let it go (don’t be ridiculous!) or
b) assert your needs compassionately and authentically by telling the other person how they have impacted you and what you would like them to do differently.
However, no doubt, as an avid student of this article you understand that such pathetic influencing attempts are for wimps, imbeciles and communication trainers.
c) Here is how it’s done:
Step 1) Identify what’s wrong about this person for committing such heinous crime.
Step 2) Brainstorm some suitable judgments. Be creative! Make sure you have enough at hand so you don’t run out of ammunition.
For example: cheat, liar, loser, sloth, bully, psychopath or if you prefer the more descriptive route: disgusting, unworthy, annoying, rude, stupid, incompetent, negligent, cold, selfish etc.
Step 3) Induce shame by telling the other person what’s wrong with them. Let it sink in. If they argue back, apply conversational judo and turn their counter-argument into a prime example of the very thing you’re accusing them of. For example:“Once again you didn’t finish the design you promised to do and what you did do, you did badly. You are such a lazy sloth!”
“But how can I get the job done if you keep bombarding me with requests all the time?”
“See, that’s exactly what I mean. That’s the kind of attitude that only sloths have.”
Rinse and repeat until the other person blushes, stutters or gasps. Well done, you have just completed some excellent work. But before you pat yourself on your back all too self-congratulatory, caveat criticus!
This is the point where novices stop, while advanced students use this opportunity as a launch pad for a more comprehensive shame attack. One sniper shot can do some damage, but this is nothing compared to a targeted delivery of cluster bombs.
For example, once you have exposed someone as being lazy, selfishness is only a stone throw away.
“What’s next?”, I’m glad you’re asking. Blame them with ‘Incompetence’; if they argue back – they are being ‘rude’… Think of the possibilities! You can keep going until you have uploaded so much shame into your opponent that they start gaining weight. Eventually they’ll give in, or even better, give up.
That’s the moment where you get to enjoy the bitter-sweet taste of victory. You deserve a medal. Not only did you help them to become a more socially anxious person, also have you just successfully removed at least one unworthy person from your social circle. You win!
Last but not least here is a bonus gift for the eager student – a collection of powerful quick and easy shame induction techniques that should be in everybody’s repertoire and will immediately upgrade your shame induction prowess by at least 20 %:
- Quietly tut with a disapproving look on your face.
- Say or imply “You should know better than this (by now).”
- Pretend to feel ashamed on their behalf.
- Subtly shake your head with a sad look on your face that says, “This is lost on you”.
- Laugh about them or even better laugh about them together with somebody else.
- With a stunned face express that you can’t believe that they really just said/did that
- The eye roll (a true classic!)
Stay tuned for part 2 – on guilt inductions!